Why don't you like me?

Grrr. Just when I think I've come so far, one little conversation or comment can set off alarms in my chest that I thought I had silenced. I wish it wasn't so, but finding out that people don't like me and complain about me still gets to me.  I probably need counseling around this, but I thought I'd start with a little word processing....

I think I ask the question "why" because, in my mind, I've done everything I could have to make them like me. They should have no reason, because I'm awesome! Even now, I shake my head as I write that, but I know, deep down, I still operate on that false paradigm...it's like I'm back in jr. high, desperately hoping that so-and-so is my friend today, and if I'm lucky, tomorrow too. I'm a mature, confident, 31 year-old woman....in a lot of ways. And in others, I'm still just an insecure, awkward preteen praying for acceptance. It's a tender spot that reminds me of my not yet fixed-ness....

At the end of the day, if I'm not chosen, preferred or even tolerated by anyone in this world....IT DOESN'T MATTER (caps for my sake). I don't need to grasp at a "like" that changes with the wind, when there's a love as strong as death. My identity, purpose and acceptance by God are unconditional, non-contigent and unshakable....but my emotions and senses are a bit wobbly.

Turns out, I can't avoid trouble in this world, so as I pursue living on this planet a bit longer, I need deeper revelation of:

a. who I am

b. who Jesus is

c. what love's got to do with it.

Digging deep and shaking it off,

Amber

WWJD, WTF

Did Jesus ever complain about his government? Did he rally people against any political leadership or human authority?  What kind of sign would Jesus hold?

I  do recall a lot of references to mercy, forgiveness and peace....

I remember he once told Pilate that he would have no power over Jesus if it weren't given to him from above.  In the midst of wrongful accusations, failing leadership and impending death, Jesus did not organize a protest or try to convince his friends and neighbors that they were evil. He stated the truth and submitted to the powers in place. When he was asked about paying taxes, even to a corrupt system, he advised people to give the government what was theirs, and bore its image (coins), and to give God what is His and bore his image (us- our entire beings). I think it's easier to pick a fight with government than to give God your whole life and risk losing your rights or entitlements. It makes me think about how faith in Jesus spreads like crazy in oppressive, anti-God cultures, but yet dies a slow, numbing death in a free and majority "Christian" country.

His approach appeared to be more subversive- his movement was not to bring in a government-sponsored faith...it was to spread a hope that took hold of people at a deeper, heart-level. He spoke of a kingdom that was not subject to the law or even promoted by it. It almost seems as though Jesus didn't want his movement to be institutionalized or patriotic- it is not something that can be enforced, legislated or voted in or out. The nations that mandated prayer, required bowing or honored specific deities, were usually the places that people lived in fear and empty ritual.

After the last political wave of campaigns, hateful commercials and judgmental press in all directions, I'm wondering wwjd... Seems like he didn't talk a whole lot about government and politics, other than submitting to authority and defending the cause of the poor, widows and orphans. He only seemed to come down hard on the church leaders and those using religion to manipulate, control and profit. He modeled righteous anger only when this was done in the very temple of God...

I wonder if his heart is saddened by all the hopes, passion, anger, fear of his people that are focused on a fight between two parties in one country that is lead by fallible humans. I wonder if his heart breaks as we trash one candidate and praise another. I wonder if he thinks ANYONE deserves to be hated, shamed or disrespected? I wonder if he only feels that way about the people that say they follow his ways in public, but intentionally live another life in private? hmmmm...

Sometimes I think that if we lived our everyday lives with as much passion and zeal that we vote against something or promote someone, the country might actually change in surprising ways...

if we forgive more readily, resist rudeness to strangers, offer what we have to someone in need, make ourselves available to our family, choose professions that honor people and God, comfort the hurting, spend less money on ourselves and more on things that matter...

then it seems like that would actually make more of a sustainable, eternal difference than a majority in congress for the current term would. We can get so caught up in causes that we lose sight of what we're even fighting for...and forget to embody that "cause" in how we make daily choices or care for one another. I wonder if we will someday be embarrassed or ashamed at how we attack or insult people because of our own sense of rightness or authority on a subject...when God actually was hoping to soften our hearts and teach us how to love...what credit is it to us when we love someone that loves us back or thinks like we do? I have a feeling that Jesus is looking back at us through the eyes of those we disagree with. What will he have to say about us?

I'm not saying it's not worth being informed, active, and engaged in the politics of our nation....there's just such a clear need for redemption in all the world, this arena included, that we can't bank our security, peace or lifestyle on who is in charge...especially is we claim to be residents of another kingdom...then no other leader actually has ultimate authority over us and we do not have permission to live in fear.

And I don't believe that God's ultimate goal is for us to be a "Christian nation", but a nation full of genuine, individual, Christ-followers that live radical, counter-cultural lives. Labeling something Christian doesn't guarantee anything...actually sometimes I think it does the opposite. I didn't give my life to Jesus because I was told it was the right or legal thing to do or because someone yelled at me about how awful and sinful I was....I fell in love with his kind eyes and open arms. The moment something is made religious and law-bound, is the moment we lose the free will and beauty of choosing to respond to God's call and doing the fear and trembling work in a community as we hold onto our faith by the skin of our teeth.

There is something so profound and beautiful about a supernatural kingdom we can join that lifts us above the temporal, unproductive battles that we thought would save us (and our country) in the end. The truth is there is no escaping the broken world we live in...we can work to usher in the new kingdom, but we cannot expect human structures and efforts to rescue us or make things right.

That will come one day...but not yet. So for now, where is the love?

tension headache

My soul has been fully restored by God....but the rest of me is still catching up. One day it will all align, but for now I live in this tension. The deepest part of me has been set free, while the other parts are still finding their way out...I keep reminding them that we are no longer captive, but they don't always listen.

my eyes wander. my mind questions. my personality clashes. my experience lacks.

my words offend. my dreams disturb. my compassion deflates. my hope shrinks.

my strength fails. my heart aches. my body struggles. my spirit sinks.

And so it goes.....

But my deep, hidden, mysterious essence is secure....assured....saved. And it calls to the rest of my being to live up to what I have already attained: 

grace.  forgiveness.  restoration.  reconciliation.  acceptance.  purpose.  peace.

It's only in light of these ultimate categories that I continue moving forward. Otherwise, what's the point? I try and try and try but fail and fail and fail. 

What really matters at the end of the day (and life) is the eternal nature of my soul, and the way of Life & Truth it carves out for others.

May I live graciously in the tension of who I am and who I am becoming forever.

The Lord is my Social Worker

It's really too bad that social workers tend to be thought of as enabling, baby-snatching, do-gooders with poor boundaries, on a mission to fix other people. I hear the term "social workers" used to illustrate an approach NOT to use. It's been bothering me for a while and I actually keep hearing the negative comments in political and religious settings-- "we aren't the social workers of the world"; "God is not our social worker"; and "social workers only address immediate, temporal, surfacey needs". 

I couldn't disagree more....

Perhaps I'm biased, but a lot of people do "social work" but do not necessarily represent the heart of what it means to be educated, trained, called and empowered to go out into the world to love, serve and be present in the lives of others. The truth is, it's a profound and powerful model of living and being....oh, and really really hard.

So here's my proclamation, Psalm 23 style:

The Lord is my social worker,
I shall not be neglected.
He makes me practice self-care and recognize my strengths,
He leads me to the resources I need,
He restores my hope.
He guides me in healthy boundaries for the protection of myself and others.

Even though I forget our appointments and miss opportunities,
I will fear no rejection,
For you are never going to give up on me;
Your mercy and self-sacrificing love,
They comfort me.
You prepare abundance for me
In the presence of poverty.
You patiently listen to all my stories and complaints and still believe in me;
I am so honored, and my gratefulness cannot be contained.
Surely empathy and empowerment will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will abide in your justice and mercy forever.

Amen.

Quivering peace

My peace gets shaken less often and less deeply than it used to.

But it still shakes.

I will get so hopped up on things working out and going smoothly that I'm jolted when something inevitably goes embarrassingly wrong.

Like running out of food at an event and dealing with angry, hungry people. Or cleaning up at the end of the night only to find that someone went through and ripped up stacks of our fliers advertising free after-school programs and adult ESL classes for the community.

How many times have I just wanted to give up the not so glamorous posture of serving because the outcome is not pleasing or particularly satisfying? A lot of the time I'm surprised I'm still here. I think I'm in the process of working it out. I sense there's something profound happening to me and to others in the process, even if it's awkward, painful or maddening.

I hope to find my peace growing more and more stubborn in the face of disrespect, mistakes and misunderstanding as I push through.

Tonight I just want to forget it all, sink into my bed and sleep peacefully...then get up tomorrow ready to jump back in.

Vitamin T

We all need a healthy

daily dose of

vitamin T (touch)

my number one love language :)

A simple prolonged, tight, non-creepy hug will suffice.

So, what's new?

Lately I've been wishing there was an alternative to the question, "What's new?"

Mostly because I have a hard time thinking of an interesting answer these days. I would much rather prefer someone ask me:

"What are you still doing?"
-Answer: Social working it at the high school.

or maybe....

"What's lingering in your life?"
-Answer: Some dreams that haven't yet come to be.

how about...

"What has not changed?"
-Answer: My housing (followed by a deep sigh of relief).

There's something to be said for a season of stability and consistency....I'm just not sure how to say it at a party without sounding uninteresting or old.