Grrr. Just when I think I've come so far, one little conversation or comment can set off alarms in my chest that I thought I had silenced. I wish it wasn't so, but finding out that people don't like me and complain about me still gets to me. I probably need counseling around this, but I thought I'd start with a little word processing....
I think I ask the question "why" because, in my mind, I've done everything I could have to make them like me. They should have no reason, because I'm awesome! Even now, I shake my head as I write that, but I know, deep down, I still operate on that false paradigm...it's like I'm back in jr. high, desperately hoping that so-and-so is my friend today, and if I'm lucky, tomorrow too. I'm a mature, confident, 31 year-old woman....in a lot of ways. And in others, I'm still just an insecure, awkward preteen praying for acceptance. It's a tender spot that reminds me of my not yet fixed-ness....
At the end of the day, if I'm not chosen, preferred or even tolerated by anyone in this world....IT DOESN'T MATTER (caps for my sake). I don't need to grasp at a "like" that changes with the wind, when there's a love as strong as death. My identity, purpose and acceptance by God are unconditional, non-contigent and unshakable....but my emotions and senses are a bit wobbly.
Turns out, I can't avoid trouble in this world, so as I pursue living on this planet a bit longer, I need deeper revelation of:
a. who I am
b. who Jesus is
c. what love's got to do with it.
Digging deep and shaking it off,
Amber
